Hi Mom,
Wow, things have sure changed this year haven't they? God sure does work in mysterious ways of which I am still trying to understand. I'm sure you know how things are going now! I still struggle to be able to speak my mind but it's getting better. I am getting healthier everyday. I've not missed a Sunday at Church once since February 2022. I have so many feelings about Church, God and all of that. I'm working on the courage to talk to one of the pastors so I can understand it better. I mean wasn't Jesus a man too. How do we have so many men in this world that act the way they do. I know, sins can be forgiven but... Why, aren't there more people who live and act like they should? Sometimes I wonder who does God think he is! I don't understand the saying "fear God". Why is that?
I've been getting a massage once a month. She is working on her connections to your side of the universe. She told me that you are with me and not to be surprised if I feel you touch me in some physical way. I think it will freak me out a little but I welcome the day to truly feel your touch. I wish I had the chance to be there with you as you were leaving your earthly body. Scott is hurting and I don't know how to help him other than keep letting him know how I feel. I'm so sorry I was not there to help you through your knowing you were dying. I miss our late night drunk talks even though I am trying to refrain from my drinking as I used to. I miss the calls that next morning from one or the other of us to ask if we talked and what did we talk about.
Sometimes, actually a lot of times I hear the sound of your voice come out of my mouth. It's pretty weird but I feel your presence when I hear you in my voice.
My masseuse friend also said that dad is getting tired but she feels he is holding on for my divorce to be final. I can see it all in his face. She said when it is his time that you will be the one to come for him. I shared this with him during a conversation one night and he didn't really have much to say. But, I felt some kind of different peacefulness in the air when he responded. He misses you terribly. I know you struggled for a long time, never saying much to anyone else. I am so grateful that you confided so much in me and am awfully sorry that I said some hurtful and private things publicly. Keep watch over us all and if you have any clout with the big guy in the sky please ask him to help move along my disconnection with Stanley. I wish it weren't terrible of me to ask you to haunt the hell out of him. He is an evil man - I know that in my heart now! I've been working with counseling regularly and will break this cycle in my life and hopefully help Kathryn as I grow and learn. Tyler too.
He is doing much better now that we don't have Stanley in our lives. He and I had a wonderful conversation on the eve of Mother's Day. The first time we have actually been able to freely sit and talk with each other. I am so glad I finally found the power within to leave Stanley. I was killing my son along side myself. I have seen where we were headed and it scared me to realize how much Tyler was sacrificing for me. He has always been willing to give up everything he has ever known for me! I hope he finds a wife who will cherish him as much as I think he will her!
I love you Mom and I miss you every single day!
